Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Upped u back bro :) Thxs

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Thank you again for your kind advices.

I dun measure gains or losses, whether in monetary terms or not, on my marriage. Ever since I got married, I gave all for my newly-formed family and stopped all the "messing outside". I wanted to give her a new life. It was sweet for the first few years but gradually the relationship deteriorated to the current state.

Only thing holding back is my son. I cannot imagine a day when I go home and not see his happy face, hear his noise and feel his hugs. I know this has a negative impact on him. Whenever we argued, he will hit his fist on the wall. I have also received calls from school that he was fighting in school. I tried to counsel him, but he said he cannot control his anger and become aggressive easily. Now he is called a bully in school.

With all the sufferings, I can only seek short moments of joy "messing outside" to escape this reality.

But the pain is getting unbearable......:(

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Do it for your son, take him out of this environment. Fight for care and control.

It will take time, but eventually you will be thankful that you did it.

My own child is doing so much better than if his parents had stayed together.

Staying together for the child can be very bad for the child if the parents cannot work together.

Don't let your child be an excuse for staying together. That's doing him a disservice.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

I only saw your thread today, so here are some suggestions from someone who went through a divorced:

Before you bring up the topic of Divorce to your SO, always always consult your lawyer first...I see from your post that your have talk it through with your wife, I assume you have spoken to your lawyer before that.

I quote my lawyer: ".....No party (in the marriage) is suppose to make a gain from the divorce..." That pretty much sums up what your wife will or will not get after you divorce.

For instance, your wife asking for 90% of your income? possible? yes if you are willing to give it to her, but then again reasonable? obviously not, because you are suppose to move and maybe have another go at marriage, then how to marry with only 10% of your income?

Then there are some comments about assets being split 50-50? This is dumb, who say so? Then again, did the idiot mentioned that it is only for matrimonial assets?

There is no 50-50 rule, it depends on how much contribution each party gave during the course of marriage, and how your lawyer bargain in court.

Then again, please remember divorcing is a lot like the fish market, there is a lot of bargaining, and in the event if both parties cannot resolve then there is a need to get a decision from the judge, this is call a judgement.

Ultimately there is only 1 advice you need to remember, get a good lawyer, and sit down with him (or her) to go through what you want out of the divorce, be it care and control of the child (not custody, that is always joint unless either party gives it up or the judge deem not fit to have it), asset etc. This should have been done before you bring it up to your wife (because the first lawyer you speak to may not be the right one), nevertheless it is still not too late, so quickly go seek legal advice; because he will be fighting for you, not us.:D

again I quote my lawyer:"....whatever assets you managed to retain, you have a choice to give the other party as good will after the divorce is completed, or you may need to continue your life which is important because you have a dependent (my kid)..."

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

file a PPO please - this will help record and protect yourself

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Prove that she is an alcoholic and your child is affected, fight for custody. Otherwise you Will be ruined. Including your child.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

protect your son and yourself first, i believe you should gather evidence, leave the relationship, take your son with you and start a new life.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

ya the negative effects already can see like you mention he fighting in school and all that need to leave and put extra love and care to let him be better

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Lets say I find a way to get exparte divorce from India. What will be benefit of that? Will that keep 498a, DV and maintenance at abeyance?

Or it will be just waste of money and time.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Why did your wife treat you like this? I didn’t know woman can drink till like this. Kind of crazy to do all these and hurts those you love…all the best

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

I would say need both to accommodate one another. Sometimes it is due to mismatch. Like my friend treat his wife like a sex doll

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

I went through a divorce years ago. It was initially quoted at 3k by a law firm. Then, my ex gotten some "advice" in the background and wanted make life hard. We had no kids, but she wanted more and more, including house plus monthly alimony.

Giving away the house was not as easy as I sign paper and finish. Apparently, need to "gift away" the cpf used to pay for house. The law firm's lawyer was incompetent and told me that I need to pay back cpf to cover back the cpf used. Pay back in cash.

I wrote to cpf and gotten official confirmation that no need pay back cpf, but the divorce papers need to have specific wording stating so. However, my ex was a conniving bugger. She insisted no change in wording, so that I would blow a hole in my wallet paying off the cpf used.

At the same time, the legal cost was running up. Madness... And, there was no adultery. Only thing was my ex was crazy.... She brought me to court to sue for alimony. To think she was a cute little angel before marriage..... anyway, that was history. Today she still like a cute angel, but the scene in court was horror and hell.

Fortunately, I went to look for another lawyer (recommended through a friend). That lawyer settled my case within weeks. Whereas the earlier lawyer took months and could not resolve my case.

Point is, cheap doesn't mean good. Good comes at a price. Better pay for good than cheap. Cos cheap comes with too many issues. This isn't the same as taking bus vs cab. Both will reach the same destination with different amounts of time. But divorce through a competent vs incompetent lawyer is totally different. The difference is day and night, not different shades of grey.

PS: My advice for all bros going through this is do your homework before committing to the terms of divorce. Women.... not very friendly when going through divorce. The cunning ones will make the guy put the conditions on text and use it to press the guy to give. Affairs of the heart is easier of entry than exit.

PSPS: My latest ex was telling me what I have to do after we got married, including household finances and that I need to disclose whatever I was earning. This was so that she would have a hold on the marriage. But, I dumped her anyway. Honestly, a divorce is once too many. Easy to marry based on feelings, but difficult to exit based on rational mind. Thats why an old saying goes "Marriage is the only war where man sleeps with the enemy."

PSPSPS: As I write now, I feel deep relief from all that crap. To all the bros going through this, choose the RIGHT LAWYER. (emphasis intended).

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

this is true, need both willing parties though. if only one sided then no use

Reading ur background, I think we had quite the same reasons for divorce. I just finalised all the process except now in midst for taking over her shares in the hse. U can pm me to discuss if need to. I felt that men are always disadvantage no matter if we can justify wrong or right. It's a very tough and long process.

Thank you all for the inputs. I learnt so much.

My son asks me not to divorce until he reaches 18. I cannot read his mind.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

You had mentioned that you think your wife may have another man in her life now, thus the cold shouldering of you. Let's assume that she has - what are you going to do with it?

Give her up? Why be a loser? You were born a winner. Of all the sperms your dad had, ONLY you managed to fertilize the egg & came into this World. You had won her over, enough to get married & have a kid. She certainly loves you. So why give up on that love & surrender her to another man & admit defeat?

Some sweet talking men looking for flings would go after married women because:-

A)married women has strings attached - to her family & kids. Dumping her after a fling is easier as such women would have a hard time giving up everything.

B)married women are cleaner than women in the sexual trade. Those women have sexual intercourse with at least 10men per day, but the married women may not even had sexual intercourse with anyone over a year.

A woman has her needs, just like you - love, intimacy, appreciation & affection. Most men after marriage presume she had already been won over, & thus start to neglect her in many ways unlike the days of courtship - attention, devotion, etc. No more romantic dates. No more tenderness & sweet talk over the phone, etc.

Instead, after work, she has to prepare dinner, wash the dishes, wash the clothes, attend to the baby, no one to share her woes & any sharing are deemed as complaints or nagging.

Perhaps, take a time-out & reflect. You are born a winner. You can win her back. She may just be wondering...where is the love?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXsg3N6NRL4

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

It's definitely a tough scenario

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

One of my subordinate came to me and said the same thing. The issue is her husband is also having a lot of activities outside. As in not really lover or mistress. Her husband started by going to some funny joints and after which he was smitten with that lady. From that service provider to customer relationship, they developed into a bf/ gf relationship.

The 1st trigger point is when the husband started asking my staff for kinky sex. She said he loves to go back door and initially my staff agreed wanting to keep the relationship. However, she shared that it was really unbearable as the entry was totally miserable. She was devastated when her husband said why other woman can take it graciously but she becomes a wimp!

Well, the next unfortunate thing is she started to have relationship with her friend. She said that guy is really handsome, gentle, caring and accommodating. When she was feeling really down, he comforted her etc….sex was really good according to her because she feels like in love. He hugged her in her arms and both of them slept through the night

Like everyone’s guess, that relationship ended in a divorce. She shared during courtship, her husband put in a lot of effort to court us. During then, she deny him sex etc…maybe just let him hold her hands and kiss her forehead. Yet he continue his pursue and eventually got married. She gave birth to 2 beautiful children, sacrifice her career for the family and in the end, she got this shit. Worst of all, she also had another relationship which complicates matter most.

Personally I think both sides have to self reflect. In fact these kind of things can be avoided. I was pissed when she told me the story. How can a man compare his demure wife to a whore? And of course when my staff is down, other men also prey on her. And the most stupid thing is she is beautiful. Her husband is really an idiot

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Agree with you ;)

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

All marriage must work together one. I fight with my wife often but after fight one party need to give in. Cannot 100% everytime I win or she win. Not easy cfm esp now this period alot of stress and stuff.
Jia you all

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Giving in can be the easy way out, but it is absolutely ruinous in the long run if only one party does all the giving in. It's a common thread among all the stories here, including my own history.

It's also about both people moving in the same direction, and working together to keep going in that direction.

That's the hard part.

And sometimes when paths diverge irrevocably with neither party willing to negotiate, it is just time to part.

I believe now it is absolutely true that agreeability in life's goals is the most important factor in relationship longevity.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Did your friend at least find happiness in the other guy? I imagine the guy must be with her mainly for the sex, men are usually uninterested in baggage from a previous marriage....no matter how miserable your ex-subordinate must have been, surely she knows that the moment she allows her pussy to be penetrated by another cock she will start to develop feelings for the man. In a way, I think your ex-subordinate asked for it. Women are usually more logical than emotional when it comes to relationships than men, I see that this woman is probably an exception.

Yes, her ex-husband is truly idiotic, the way he used those words on this wife is unforgivable. But two wrongs do not make one right, she should have known from the start that the relationship with the other guy will never progress beyond the physical no matter how happy she feels when she was in his arms. To me that is pure stupidity, on her part.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

I am guessing your son is around 11 years old? Basis your statement that you and your wife has slept in separate beds for the last 10 years. Boys that age still have some remnants of attachment to their parents, and especially to you if you have been close to him and developed the father-son bond. You do not have to worry about the 18 year old bit - the moment he progresses into teenagehood the attachment usually disappears quite quickly.

To a child, seeing their parents fight or contemplate divorce is like having their world collapse on them. They will always prefer having both daddy and mummy in the same house, and around the dinner table. And he will not want to see you fight with your wife no matter who is right or wrong. The two of you are his world since young, so he naturally fears the divorce because it feels like his world is coming to an end before he can fend for himself. The fact that your son is giving you a timeline shows that he acknowledges deep inside that Daddy is probably happier if he does not have to live with Mummy. You will be amazed, if you talk to your son properly how mature and developed his feelings are. Children undergoing divorce become mature beyond their years - it's a survival mechanism that kicks in because they know deep inside that they cannot afford to be a child for much longer, they need to grow up, fast.

My son is younger than yours and I went through a divorce when he was just 5 years old. After a few years, he has gotten used to the idea that there are two houses that he can choose to stay - weekends he stays with Mummy and weekdays he stays with me. A son will generally stick to, and defend his mother no matter what she has done so you will have to accept that your (soon to be ex) wife's hold over him will be stronger than the relationship you can have with your son.

What you can do in the interim, is to acknowledge why your son is acting the way he does, and assure him that you will continue doing your duty as a father and develop that bond with your son. Parents who have had daughters as well as sons will notice, that from the toddler stage, boys instinctively develop this mechanism where they know what Mummy is good for and what Daddy is good at. Girls do not do this, generally. Meaning, boys know that they need to follow you because they need to learn how to be a man, but that is separate from his need for his mother which is a primal, lifelong bond that has nothing to do with you being married to your wife.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Don’t know what to say about her husband. I drove her home one day and bumped into him. That idiot has the cheek to ask his ex wife to introduce both of us. Really …..I know what my staff is thinking. Sometimes women just need that comfort and they fall in love quite easily.

As for whether they have sex? I think so. My staff was elated for a short while but shortly realised they won’t have future. She has 2 kids and the guy doesn’t seems interested. But he is keen to continue the hanky panky. I seriously cannot comment who is right and who is wrong. I think it starts from the husband

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

totally agreed.. i had a good lawyer ( old friend recommended )
shut the ex wife up in a matter of weeks....

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Really no substitute for good legal support. Play with some women.... no choice. I still remember that scene outside family court some years ago. She still stand in front of the entrance. 他妈微风 tell me she will play with me.

I stand there... one ear in and one ear out. Seriously, we just gotta get on with life. Her lawyer (i could imagine) was just tapping away at the calculator... on how much more they can wring out of my account. So deeply immoral and deeply wrong. It was the one moment in my life that I truly understood wtf was humility.

As I was sharing with some of my younger peers, it seems so nice to be in it, but getting out is a totally different thing altogether. In my circle, all my kaki had some form of nasty feedback about divorce. Just simply bitter over it. One writer wrote that some things are better understood with experience, just like wine.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Really not easy to stay in a sexless relationship. But the bros who can do it are really damn good. It takes a man to do it. But, i'm a lesser man who knows my limits a bit too well. :o

I can still remed mine very clearly as it only happed and ended last year!
When the dust has settled.. i remed the last parting shot she posted on social media trying to grasp support from the unknown etc
Let her be
I was affected of cos.. took awhile to recover... prob 8mths
Now 1 year has passed for me
Its better now tho some days still come back haunt etc
Its common!

But 1 thing is very true for me... for me to be very gracious or drop money to any woman again is gng to be very very hard!
Hahahaha

Im sure u all know what i mean
Esp those that been thru it

There are so many silent sufferes of sexless marriage
Not many dare to step out or even divorce or even share or say