Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

I was conflicted on whether to post this but decided to seek opinions from bros as this is something i can’t tell anyone around me including my family and friends. I will keep the story short.

I have been dating this Vietnamese lady for a few months now. We have decided to continue dating and move towards getting married in the near future. She is an extremely nice lady that works hard for her own family and despite being penniless, she always refuses to take money from me. I still gave her a few thousand dollars to help her during times of need. She never extended her hand to ask me for money but chose to borrow it from her friends. I am not rich and the most I can do is to pay for her meals when we go out once to twice a week.

Recently I found out that she was once married in Singapore and had a kid. She divorced 2 years ago. I was devastated when I found out. I didn’t know how to handle it. She told me she wanted to tell me before she goes back to Vietnam in a month’s time and she knew I will find out eventually. She wasn’t trying to hide from me but she wishes to find the right time to tell me. I told her she should had been up front with me about it from the beginning. She said in the beginning she doesn’t think our relationship will advance and she was afraid that I can’t accept her past if she had told me. Her intention was never to hide but to find a right time to tell me. She said she is fine if i choose to leave her and all the money I gave her, she will find ways to return to me.

Her kid is now 5 years old. She was once married to a SG guy that is 24 years older than her. She got pregnant 1 month after they got married and she raised the child until 1 year old before going back Vietnam. She came back to see her kid frequently through the years but her ex husband told her not to come close to the kid anymore. She chose to leave her ex husband due to extreme verbal abuse and she was very depressed. She told me she wanted to commit suicide when she was still expecting. The ex-husband wasn’t kind to her throughout the marriage. Never provide her with money nor allow her to go anywhere without his company. It was like staying in a prison at home. I strongly believe the ex husband only wanted a child but not a wife and now she is blaming herself for leaving her kid.

I am conflicted by all these. I was once afraid that she is out to scam my money. But as time passes i can see if she wanted money, there is plenty of ways for her to suck me dry and leave. But she didn’t. And just when I thought all is over, comes this issue. It’s being a few days since I came to know about this and I am not sure if I can really accept her past. I can say she is a kind person who really takes care of me and her own family. I can see and feel it. If you remove the sigma of being a Vietnamese, she is just another lady out there with her own set of problems. So bros. Need to hear it from all of you. I am someone who is at the age where I just want to settle down. I have long decided if this relationship fails again like my past relationships, it will be difficult for me to spend time and effort to find someone suitable, dating all over again. I personally felt that she is someone i am looking for. She loves me, and wishes to take care of me and my family. So yes, that’s my story. Sorry for not being short after all.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

I knew her from her workplace. She is a hairdresser. I found out through her facebook. I saw the pictures of her kid and the husband.

Yes I did give her but I didn’t give her everything. I guess because she is a Vietnamese, many will still think she is out for money including me. But i will see it for myself.

I don’t think she talk only. Because there is another guy chasing her with tons of money. I am not as rich. He is obviously a better choice.

You are right. It’s better to hear both side of the story. When she wants to leave, her husband insisted that she leave without the kid. She knew she wasn’t in a better position to take care of the kid so she left the kid with the ex. I am not saying her ex is evil. But obviously he is someone who just want a child and used her. She is in Singapore now working partly she wants to be close to her child.

She knows her ex throught KTV. She worked for a month before returning back to Vietnam as she can’t drink and she wasn’t pretty back then. She doesn’t know how to dress up. I saw the pictures so yes. Not the KTV type of girl. She had a very bad relationship back in Vietnam and after the break up she wanted to escape. And hence the ex brought her back to Singapore. Back then she thought she can just settle down in Singapore to forget about her life in Vietnam and her ex wanted to marry her so she agrees. It was a mistake.

Many things I cannot convince the bros here because I know her personally. Many will think i might be blinded but i am very well aware of the risk and issues involved. I am not trying to make things perfect. I want to ensure things will be as smooth as possible.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

Just to add on about her ex and her. She mentioned that during her kid one month old celebration, she invited her mother to Singapore. But on the day of the celebration, her mother fallen ill and was sent to ICU in Singapore. The cost was very high and the ex can’t afford it, insisted that she send her mother back to Vietnam. But the doctor said that the mother’s condition at that time cannot take plane on her own. She needs special care in order to go back. So she had to take money from her family in order to send her back. She just gave birth back then and needs to take care both her baby and her mother. The ex just wanted her mother to leave so he do not need to continue footing the medical bill.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

Dunno what was your purpose of this thread. :D U gathering support?

Others had mentioned doubt but u could reason them out :D U are leading towards your own view. Since u are so confident that u know her personally, etc u have already decided u want to bulldoze thru it then go ahead.... Good luck.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

I am not sure what is the purpose of your response but I appreciate your views regardless. Thanks.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

Again, u are pouring the sad story to support your view on her.... She should have good family background as in $$$. ICU for foreigner is not cheap and special care flight back will cost a bomb. :D Then why are u pushing money to her?

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

Her family got to mortgage the house to get the money. ICU was paid by the ex.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

Here u go.... "ICU was paid by ex". Ex husband is not a devil as described in the opening. As @funboi mentioned, 1 sided story.

Anyway again good luck to your journey.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

Thank you very much.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

what is it you cannot accept of her past? divorced? kid? ktv? not unacceptable, but your story didn't have anything else that appear unacceptable.

i was and am in love with a few viets. it takes time and experience to see through the truths and lies. there will be lies, yes. but what kind? the decision should be clear once you uncover the types of lies.

the love rival should be the problem anyway. are you winning? else you will deal with jealousy daily. this drives you nuts.

ultimately, love prevails in this universe.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

I am not sure what other lies are there. And i am trying to find out. I asked her is this the final thing that she hid from me. She said yes and there is nothing more she is hiding. But i still have my doubts and trying hard to find out everything.

I really do love her but i don’t want to be lied to. I can accept her everything if not I would have left. I just want to know if she is still hiding anything. As of now i can’t fully trust her words.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

Sorry to burst your bubble but you sound like a very gullible man. Good luck to you.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

If you are having these thoughts now, then you're gonna have even more problems moving forward. Cos even if she is 100% truthful, you will always have this 心结. When she's back in Vietnam, you're gonna wonder does she have another BF back home? Is she seeing the other richer guy simultaneously? Is she with you just for money or the Pink IC? etc. etc. etc.

So the question you should be asking, is if you wanna deal with all that? If you think she is worth the mental stress, then go ahead. Otherwise, think twice.

Good luck.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

Perhaps i am. Thanks!

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

What you said is very true. Is there no way i can fully trust her or because the nature of the matter is just like that and it can’t be helped.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

I say that either she lies or not, the most important thing for you is not uncover the truth, but to realize which will be the decision that will not give you regrets. Even if she is playing you and the marriage ends up as a disaster, you will still end up wiser and stronger through your experience. If you choose not to trust her, lose contact and beat yourself up for the next years to come, I don't see that as a win.

The real question is: do you really love her? Are you ready to put your money on the table? A life worth living is not a riskless life, but risks taken for the sake of it are not how a life should be lived.

No regrets, that will be what decides the good answer. Not the safety of your bank account. Think deeply and good luck.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

This is perhaps one of the wisest words i had seen. I am not looking at my bank account now. There is nothing in life that is riskless. Even 1% of risk is still a risk. I am seeing if it is worth the risk. Your words hit the right target in every way. Thank you very much. No regrets is the thing i am looking for. I will think properly.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

Before anyone embarks on a relationship as a male, it is best to consider WHAT the female expects, regardless if local & worse-foreign women whom grew up in hardship. She does not open up herself (& her private self) for charity. The conditions are female expectations, not necessarily both -

A)money to open her up as she knows like any human that without money in life, nothing can be done.

B)The more altruistic women - she wants a faithful companion for life, to unconditionally love her when her looks get faded, the way her parents had loved her, thru ups & downs as Humanity's sacred vows of marriage had been ordained for centuries.

You already need all the encouragement you want. It came from within yourself. You only want validation from others. Sadly, from others whom had been burnt badly in relationships, local or foreign, there will be no validation of such, but only to be pragmatic, be cynical.

As we Humans are 3 dimensional beings, not most would had been evolved into the 4th dimension-time - to see consequences , & there are further dimensions in life which is yet unknown at this current stage of evolution of Humankind.

But the greatest dimension that exists in our universe is LOVE. It is only thru love that the gift of LIFE is given, exists, & compels one to achieve beyond limits - to provide, to progress & evolve, a meaning to life.

Love is a power, & often misunderstood with lust, & thus most got burnt. To truly love is to set someone free, not caged them like a bird. Such is only possession, with expectations of worldly returns & emotions. We are only Humans, & thus your predicament - to trust her or not.

The most important element in a relationship is trust. If you do not trust her now, & with valid reasons, then there is no point in having a relationship at all. Just grow old, live in a fantasy world of women who only want your money & not you as a person, wither in loneliness & pass on, hopefully at least with enough CPF in your account to at least take care of the passing, & hope you need not beg for a living when you are too old & frail to take care of yourself with no kids.

No Human is perfect. It will be her actions that will prove trust to you, & equally, she too will put you to the test, just as you did her with her expectations. She had proven to you that she is not money minded, cared not for sweet talking others whom promised her the stars & moon. She is not stupid, more so in her line where she gets such promises every night, & warned by her colleagues that such men will only dump her once they get want they lustily want.

No mortal can change the past. But we still can change the future. Based upon what you had written, she desires a better future for herself & her family, & loved you which is the most important factor. She may continue in her line if you cannot financially support her & her family, let's be realistic in expectations, but it will be you that her gift of life belongs, not her DNA body.

No man likes to be cuckold, but there is NO man on Earth that pines for the LOVE of a woman unconditionally - her soul, the way we men were loved by our parents. Rich men can only posses bodies, never the heart...

However, encouraging as it may seems, do take into considerations:-

1) We have to be pragmatic - are you ready to commit to her, come hell or high water, for life, thru the ups & downs in life, in hardships, emotional turmoil & financial?

2)Can you overcome her past, as no one is perfect & build upon the relationship to a higher level, beyond lust, for a love that will be eternal - to both your future generations to come?

If not, walk away. If you are ready, then I wish you all the best, to a fulfilling & meaningful journey in life than the emptiness & loneliness of those whom dared not try to truly love.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNRfOIv5toI

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

Why don’t u make a trip down to Vietnam to take a look urself? Go see her family her friend as well…

I always tell my friends u wan to ask for advise come to sbf…

They will give u a reality check and harsh truth to u…

Doesn’t work for everyone though…

I only can ask u what r u more afraid of losing? Ur money? Or a broken heart?

Ask urself this ques give it some thought

I planning to go Vietnam to visit her when she goes back. I appreciate your opinion. I guess i am more afraid of a broken heart.

Thank you for taking the time to write a lengthy reply. I appreciate it. I will be sure to think about what you said and decide for myself. Thank you very much.

Thanks for the harsh truth and reality check.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

I dont see why being Vietnamese has anything to do with it. She could be from anywhere. Everyone has a past and everyone has made mistakes. If there are elements of past mistakes that will impact you today, then you have to consider them. If not, leave the past in the past.

The more important part is the trust. You dont trust this woman completely. Otherwise you would not have made this post in the first place. Listen to that little voice of doubt. Unless you have severe trust issues with everyone, lack of trust is usually a severe red flag.

I agree to what you said. I am having trust issues because she doesn’t come clean with her past until i found out. She said she had plans to tell me and it’s just a matter of time. I am not sure if that statement of hers is really the truth or just a cover up because i found out. She also did mention that if she had the intention to hide, she would have deleted everything from her facebook and not let me find out.

So because of this I cannot fully trust her words now. Hell I don’t even know if there are even more things that I don’t know. I trusted her before all these. And now the trust had been broken and i don’t know how to repair. Precisely i know lack of trust is a serious red flag hence i am troubled.

I believe the easiest way is to walk away. And i am trying to find the courage to do that.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

The word 'trust' is rather broad. What EXACTLY is the form of trust do you expect from her? You want her to tell you everything, KGB interrogation methodology, since her birth? We, being mortals & flawed, each have skeletons to hide, that if revealed, will only cause more harm & hurt than resolve issues.

Ultimately, what each Human seeks is to love & be loved in return. By your account - she loves & chose you, & had proven to you. The past is gone, & today is a fresh new start towards a meaningful relationship, to communicate always, to understand each other more, compromise where possible & help each other, to build & strengthen the relationship for a better future.

No being promised that life will be a bed of roses daily. The future often looks daunting, with stories of economic & social failures littered on every pavement. But is hiding from relationships, hoping that with no relations, then no mistakes will be made, a solution? No. It will only hinder your development in the journey of life, which is to progress.

To make no mistakes is the greatest mistake a Human can ever make, because we mortals are flawed, & can only progress by making mistakes & correcting them. If a mortal does not make mistakes, he will only think himself perfect & will always be correct, & when mistakes eventually come, either he can't handle it, or will had only harm many others whom believed him for being perfect while flawed all along..

Have courage. No mortal can predict the future or yours. It's a blank page today awaiting you & only you alone can write it. Do not let your fears hinder you in life. If it is financial situation that worries you - there are solutions-work harder & smarter honestly & legitimately. Singapore is a land of opportunities & even societal funded upgrading programs awaits.

If it is your self confidence, your romance abilities that worries another will take your place in her heart, then find out more about her - her likes, dislikes , etc, then improve yourself in those critical areas, & none can replace you. A girl's heart is not made of stone, more so if she had proven to you that she is not driven by money alone.

If you worry that you are being made used of by her, then think - she too may thinking the same of you using her. The term 'Made used of' is also similar with 'helping out others'. It's only a matter of relative perceptions & perspectives, common when a life's journey is shared.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFHT1lJl6ls

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

I can see both sides of the debate. TS you are the one who has direct relationship with the girl so you’re bound to be more lenient with her. We bros here can only base on your limited description of her so we give you harsh reality checks.

Importantly do your due diligence before you go into marriage. Even if things don’t work out after marriage, you can still end it. At least no regrets and it’s not the end of the world.

Thank you very much. What you said made alot of sense to me and it might be the answer that i am looking for. Appreciate your advice.

I am not afraid of harsh reality checks. In fact i welcome it. If i wish to avoid that, I would not have come here. I know that sbf is a place that will make someone who is blinded see. I might not like some of the words the bros here use. But that doesn’t make what they say wrong. It all make sense. I just wish to ‘see’ properly and not be blinded by my love for her.

I know that money will be a topic of concern as the relationship progresses. I might say I don’t care about money now but the fact is that if money become an issue, i will be very affected by it. Everyone needs money to survive and it is our hard earned money. So I also take into account some bros comments about money and will be extra careful with it.

I guess now only time will tell if it is all worth it. I will risk it for now because I don’t want to be afraid and miss an opportunity. Anyway thanks for all the replies.

Re: Opinion on my decision to be with a Vietnamese lady
 

1. She seems nice to you. Yes she has a past (worked in ktv). but everyone has a past. The important thing is whether she has moved past that.

2. BUT.... A few months is not enough to truly know a person yet.

3. You have to know about this, when being together with a woman with a kid. Whenever she has to make a choice between you and the kid, expect her choice to be the kid.

4. Has she divorced with the "ex husband"? What pass status is her holding in sg now?

5. Money may not be what she's after, from you. She may be after a residency status to stay long term in sg so she could be with her son / fight for his custody/ etc, instead.

6. On the "mum in icu here', did you see a receipt of the hospital bill after that? Was there anything to prove that her story was real?

I am very clear that she will choose her child over me. She told me she failed as a mother for leaving the child behind and run away after a year. The reason she is still staying here is because of her child. She also did told me that she wish to get married and stay in SG to be close to her child. Other reasons for coming to SG includes the life is better than in Vietnam etc.

As for the ICU part I really cannot verify her story. It’s also hard for me to ask for evidence. The only way I can verify some of her other stories is to see her passport for records of travel, which i will do it soon. She mentioned she has been coming back SG a few times a year pre-covid to see the child. I can correlate her passport records with all the FB photos she posted.

To be honest aside all of these, the things I can see now is this. She spent time with me. She cooks for me. She calls me everyday at random times even if she is working. I have been to her workplace on random days to check on her without telling her to ensure her hairdressing job is not just a show. I don’t feel right doing this ‘spying’ thing but after i know her job is real, i stopped doing that. I showed my weakness in front of her. I cried several times and she didn’t walk away.

I know if someone who has a motive they can do many things to cover their tracks. With all that she has done for me, I cannot be 100% sure still because like you said, we need time to know someone. So hopefully time will tell and like what other bros said. There is a risk. Is just a matter if i want to take that risk or not. A calculated but not a reckless one.