Getting a Divorce
 

I am getting a divorce after 12 years.

I have a son, a house, and some joint bank accounts.

Got any advice on the process, lawyer fee, things to look out for etc.?

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Can share a little more about your marriage? Eg.. kid usually stick with who more? Who earns more? Background of divorce? Etc...

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

contested or uncontested divorce?
what kind of settlement / arrangement are you seeking? Child custody? nego this with spouse first. Much easier if both can agree to the divorce terms.
reason for divorce? (not that i'm interested, but the court will be)
Are u the male or female party?

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

1) Kid sticks with both of us. He is the only reason why we are still under the same roof.
2) I earn more.
3) She is addicted to alcohol and will create a storm when drunk 2 to 3 times a week. This happened since COVID shutdown. I am very mentally stressed by this, cannot sleep in peace, to the extent of going crazy myself and even think of commit suicide.

To be frank, I dun know. She cannot do without the child. She always use child as ransom. So i think she will put in unreasonable demands. Although we lived under same roof, we have separated bed for 10 years. I am male party.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Get some videos via HP or CCTV when shes drunk and misbehaving .

Court will decide based on the best environment for the kid. aka welfare.

:cool:

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Normally, the insignificant nobody me would advise against divorce, but try to find ways and means to reconcile, as marriage is sacred & binds each to another on an eternal oath.

However, when it gets to the point when you are contemplating ending your life by suicide, it shows has disastrous the marriage had became, made worse by the alcoholism of your partner, which makes reconciliation difficult, as I can visualize the effects of alcoholism & the baggage that accompanies such, as most alcoholics do not drink alone, but with company, as well as the fact that you both live now in separate rooms..

Divorce is legal in Singapore. But as you both love your son, it will be a bitter custody fight in courts, & the costs involved would be very high, costs that would had given your child the necessary uni education he would need, to achieve in life.

You will have savings that may help to pay the high legal fees, but do not under-estimate your wife's financial ability, as she will have a family & friends to turn to, as well as access to loans.

Thus you will have to be pragmatic, like most Singaporeans. When a child is involved, the Court will usually give Joint Custody, regardless of who win in Court. You will never need to worry about not being able to see your son even if you lose.

So, rather than a bitter fight, go for uncontested divorce instead. Let her keep the son, & never be held hostage by her obstructive demands again. The legal costs are small, only around $2k. Your assets & joint bank accounts will be divided up equally. Sell the home, split the profits, and each go on to live life, wiser this time, each free to find a hopefully better companion for life. As for the alimony, you can get your lawyer to discuss, negotiate & fine tune the terms & conditions to an agreed sum satisfactory to both.

As for your son that you love, you will still be able to see him at least once a week, as well as everyday on social media, to keep in touch with him, to guide him, & be the anchor for him in his life, even if his mother fails to do so.

With the savings made from the uncontested divorce, you will be able to give him a better future, & your mind free to live life than in daily bitterness...

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

if you want the child custody, start collecting evidence of her frequent drunk episodes. Even better if she showed violent tendencies during such episodes. The party showing violence will be at a great disadvantage in court when coming to custody battle.

But know this: To a woman, her child may be more important than her own life. Take note not to force it too far. She may just..... u know...... hug the child and end their life together than to lose the child custody to you. If u sense that might happen, its better to just give up child custody to her.
Other unreasonable demands can be fought off partially in court. Judge and lawyers can see these unreasonable demands easily and know whats realistic and whats not. Default ruling to expect before the court fight begins: half half for both parties even for the matrimonal house which only you paid for. Then from there, she starts to prove to court why she deserves more than that and you start to prove to court why she shouldn't or why you deserved more.

You may also start to arrange for marriage counselling sessions to attend. Not that such counselling works, but to prove to court when needed that "you have made efforts to reconcile the marriage, on your part". The best is that she doesnt even turn up to attend.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

I used to think that way, but I have since come to realize that children often need to be protected from the other parent, and simply 'letting' the other parent keep the child, or children is sometimes the worst thing a parent can do for their child.

If your child needs to be protected from her emotional instability and drunkenness, protect your child.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

I would agree with Mr. Fallen's post wholeheartedly as each life is precious & means something special to another. At times, it's better to give up, & find OTHER means to remain in contact to guide a loved child, one's flesh & blood.

It's like the tale of ancient King Solomon & the maternal suit between 2 mothers claiming a baby. The fair & wise King gave a judgement - split the baby into half & each will get a share. The false mother agreed, after it was not hers anyway & sought to deprive the true mother of her child. The true mother instead, chose to give up, so that the baby may at least live, painful as it is to her, & the rest is history..

To Mr. Larue, Emotional instability & drunkeness is not an easy thing to prove in Spore Courts, unless actual harm was done to the child. It would need certification from IMH & highly doubtful if the wife would voluntarily submit for tests.

Videos will help, but only to a limited extend, & is subjective as being drunk is not a crime unless someone is hurt, & lawyers/judge will see if it was provoked, intentionally or not.

If someone is hurt, it is best to go to a med clinic, to highlight the injuries & can be used as a certified document in Court cases. Normally, a Protection Order will be issued.

However, there may be underlaying issues why the wife had been addicted to alcohol, which we here may never know, in order to help... Alcohol addiction can be rehabilitated, but one must find out its source, the root, in order to help in rehabilitation.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Thank you all for your valuable advices.

Let me digest them and return with more questions.

He is 10 years old in P4.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

I know it’s not easy to prove, my point is that any and all means should be used to protect children from an emotionally manipulative parent who is unable to act in the child’s best interest.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

its different when the child becomes her hostage.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Use your son to advise her of the drinking problem or check her in to a clinic

really not worth to divorce because of drinking problem.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

I already divorced but my divorce was uncontested. It was mutual. So nothing much. Just lawyer prepare paper work and we sign.

If you can agree on terms, then it becomes uncontested, save alot of hassle. If terms cannot be agree upon, you better start gathering evidence that can used to protect you and your child.

Custody, court will rule in favour of child's welfare. Not just who the child likes. That's being said it starts in favour of the mother first usually. So you need evidence to prove the child is better with you.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

If I am not mistaken there should be low cost government based lawyers. However depends on the degree of contesting, you might want to hire a good divorce laywer to get the win. Cost wise , very ball park figure. A colleague of mine hired his for about 3000. But that was many years back. Market rate may have changed. His was uncontested.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

now uncontested divorce no need to hire lawyer or appear in court.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

this i agree get it over and done with and move one with life and make it better. the faster u start making your life better the shorter the suffering.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

yes this one you just need paper work

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Once again, I thanked all the bros' advices and comments.

Whenever we talk on divorce, she want the following:
1) custody of the child.
2) 100% of the house to go to son when he reach in legal age.
3) I leave the house.
4) 90% of my income.

Although I love my son, I can accept item 1 to 3 but item 4 is extreme to me. I still have $100k of credit bills & loans under my name but spent by her.

Is a contest divorce is the only way out?

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

90% of my income? What if I resign and out of job? Then I don’t need to pay any of my income.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

1. you can fight in court for 2, 3 & 4. Provided you own at least a portion of the house and she not willing to pay you off for your share of the house.
Is the house a hdb or pte property? If hdb, cannot pass the house to the son as he is not qualified to own one until at least 35 or married. And the cpf portion is not owned by you, is owned by govt. CPF has to be paid back and returned to CPF. for 1, you may request to court for joint custody. Joint custody means the maintainence for the child is 50/50, but you probably get access to your son only one day a week.... Most likely you'll get it unless you're an addict in drugs/gambling/alcohol, in and out of jail often or is a violent man.

2. Both of you unlikely to get the other to leave the house legally. But life will sure be hell if both continue to live together once decided to go for divorce. If its joint ownership, 1 party has to pay off the other to keep the house. If no one is willing to pay off the other party, then have to sell the property and split the proceeds as ruled by court.

3. 90% of income. She wont get it in court. Fight this out.

Yes the only way is contested divorce. But during the time when both of your engaging your lawyers and preparing to file the case, lawyer will know what were the divorce terms requested. For the unrealistic parts, lawyer will advice against it but will eventually file for it if the client die die insists still. So during this time, she may lower those requirements deemed unreasonable to achieve (90% of your income). Alimony and child maintainence are separate issues. Child maintainence depends on factors like how much is needed to maintain a child + your current income, nothing much to do with the ex wife.

about the 100k debt. make it known in court. Judge will take this into account. Judge will deduct monthly debt repayments from your income to derive the income used as reference for the judgement. So it'll be slightly in your favour. Judge may even postpone part of the maintainence / alimony for a few years / till the debt is fully repaid. You may choose to go a step further to prove that this debt was incurred by you on her behalf (if you can prove it), but know that its unlikely for you to claw back any money from her. Judge may take this into account as well.
Example: judge may say pay $1k a mth to her. But because of your debt, judge says postpone $600 of it for 3 years. So 1st 3 years you pay $400 a month, after that $1k a month.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Mr Fallen11 had given good & detailed advice. My suggestions will be kept short, & points to ponder to help.

From your list:-

1) You accepted it, to keep the hostage-your son-safe. It will be joint custody in Singapore Court. No one has full custody unless one of the parent is a convicted criminal, subjected to the Judge's assessment to protect the child.

2)In divorce cases, all assets will be split 50-50, no matter the circumstances. Thus the house will have to be sold & proceeds split, or the other half pays the balance of loan & CPF on the house to keep it.

3)After divorce, each will go their own way anyway, as the house would had been sold, so leaving the house is not an issue.

4)As for 90% of your income, tell her to dream on & sober up. She would be considered very lucky if she manages to get 30%, & even that, she would have to list out the reasons to obtain 30% - child needs, justifiable living expenses, med bills, etc. Hair care at Reds Saloon, manicure sessions, etc would not hack it to a Singaporean Judge. Even AWARE, which protects women's rights, would not condone 90% figure. Any lawyer would had explained to her, & would never win even if contested.

As for yourself, you will need to prepare a list on your own financial lists to your lawyer to negotiate the settlement:-

a)Taxes.
b)Living expenses
c)Med bills for treatment of existing conditions
d)If sole breadwinner for your own family-living & med expenses for parents & siblings.
e)Car loan & maintenance if any, as you will require it for work
f)Any existing loans incurred, etc, etc.
g)After the house is sold, show your expenses needed to buy & maintain another shelter for yourself-loan, CPF, utilities,etc.

She does seemed unreasonable, as if she was drunk when she made those demands to you. No more Mr. Nice guy, you need be. She needs to be shocked to make her come to her senses, to prevent a contested divorce & save those expenses for your son's future.

a)Hire a professional Private Investigator, who will provide professional evidences of her extreme drinking habits - shopping for wine, in company of others & what she does after drinking bouts.

b)Install hidden cameras at home where she drinks & throw her tantrums, & use it as evidence.

c)Should anyone-you or your son is harmed by her drunken bouts, immediately go to any 24hr med clinic to get treatment & professional certification of harm done. Even a mere slap will leave marks & will be considered abuse.

With such evidences, give it to your lawyer, whom will negotiate with her lawyer, whom will explained to her that it will be worse for her if she pushes for contested divorce, & she will lose MORE than she had unreasonably demanded.

With all sincerity, I hope it may not need to go this far, & hope that you both may reconcile instead. Rather than to ask for divorce, perhaps you should ask why had a love that started so right ended up like this, & if responded, try to find compromises to mend the relationship, if possible.

All the best. :-)

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

She basically wants to live off you only. You need to contest for what you want.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

best to file a police report for this case so as to have a record to the court.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

nice gather evidence ! i like lol

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Once again, I thank my brothers for all the good advices.

Let me share more.

There was once in a drunken state at home, she threw plates, vases, bottles, chairs, fans, etc. One of which hit the back of my head and caused a bump. Police came, followed by ambulance. Police took a record and told me its a "non-arrestable offence". There is a police report number and classification under "Voluntarily Causing Hurt". I was not sure WtF it means as my head was still hurting. Went to hospital, took 3 injections and given 5 days MC. Doctor asked me whether I need go IMH as I was emotionally unstable at that point. Police said they cannot do anything, asked me to Family Justice Court.

For my son, I did not pursue this matter. Am I wrong? What should I have done instead?

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Thank you Mr TimelyRain for replying. Most would not reply back after bros here offered suggestions, & thus we do not know if our suggestions helped or not, in order that we bros here can improve & be of better help to others. Thanks again.

However, at this point of the thread & fireside conversations, the insignificant nobody me hoped that you would had engage a lawyer to find solutions to your predicament.

With an engaged lawyer, you would be in a better position to REVEAL more of the situation in depth than here where you may not be in a comfortable position to do so, & rightly so as we are only mere nicks & strangers, whom will only react on face value as we are not able to see both sides of versions which a lawyer will be able to extract out gently from you in order to help you.

In these hard times, it is comprehensible to save money, but it does not cost much to find a lawyer for CONSULTATION. It costs only between $50 - $100, depending on the choice of lawyer you wish to consult with, and only more if you decide to proceed further for either contested or uncontested divorce, with that lawyer or another.

As for your question, you did the right thing. Firstly, for your own health to get necessary med attention to heal yourself on the attack by your wife. 2ndly, you have a police record of harm done to you by your wife, & would be evidence to the Court of her emotional stability potential towards you & the family. Bring such records to your lawyer, whom will advice you to give any further info that will help in divorce proceedings, or use such evidences to negotiate with her lawyer for better terms.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

it means police wont handle it. If you want you will need to file the case to the court yourself, yes that means hiring your own lawyer to do so.
Keep the case number and you can use it in court during divorce proceedings.

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

Bro , you better run from this marriage fast and dont turn back and look .

Once a party turned violent , theres no turning back . The aggression will worsen .
im sure it started with a minor tantrum in the beginning and now you compare it to the latest incident . it only escalates

Leave for your personal well being . Leave for a better and happier life .

Im just afraid one day , you lost it also and start to be violent due to her triggering you . And it may be too late .

all these throwing things and smashing is is psychotic .

just gather all evidence and fight it out in court , even if you lose a chunk of money it will be more worthwhile . money can always earn back , you cannot earn back lost time .

We just want to have a happy life . And theres no time left to be in a unhappy violent marriage .

the child will understand when he grows up later in life . Truth Prevails .

Side track a bit , my guess is she's from CHINA ?



:)

Re: Getting a Divorce
 

totally agree with this.
Lost time cannot be earned back.
Cut losses and move on, it'll be worth it.
Most people dont get it. Fear of losses overwhelms them.
You win some you lose some in life. Not always get to keep everything you want one.
Sometimes losing something may let you gain something more of more importance to you.