[pitabooom]

Originally Posted by Humpy Dumpty

Sorry to hear of your circumstances.

However, it seems like a great situation for your wife to be in.

Housework is all done, no need to contribute financially, no need to help raise daughter, you can be at her beck and call...

It doesn't seem like she respects any of the responsibilities which typically come with raising a family or fostering a marriage. That is very self-centered.

I am not sure if I am trying to justify for her if I say "it prob stems from unknown childhood trauma or she's raised on single parent system."

We all have our (not too glorious) histories (past or present). I am not a saint and I do not intend to be one. But in the interest of re-starting and rewriting history for our child, I'd really want to make things work.

I see you have tried your best to do what would objectively improve the relationship. I don't think anyone can doubt you in trying to improve the situation.

However, if I may make a point so as to hopefully provide some insight from my point of view, I see that ironically your actions of compensating for her lack of contributions over the years has probably actually reinforced her bad behaviors. The more badly she treats your marriage/family, the more the ideal the situation becomes for her. She is actually being rewarded for her bad behavior. I say this as an observation and not a criticism of the past as I'm sure you did what you thought you needed to do to get your family/marriage through the difficulties. It is also not to excuse her behavior and neglect of your marriage and family life in the first place.

I think if you are to make it work, you must regain your own authority and power back, in order to balance your relationship, in order to save it. This means you need to stop rewarding her for her neglect.

That whole "parenting" thing with bad kids concept right? Whilst it is easier to shape a kid before they hit 10yrs old when mindsets jell and set, its much harder to re-shape preset thoughts in an adult.

You could probably say, I am the equivalent of a helpless mother who can do nothing but hang my arms while her son screams, kicks and bangs his head against the ground. But the mum couldn't leave her son out of love for her

Yup. I am a failure at that.

See your relationship as a bike along a road, without balance, the bike can't go straight. Both parties need to give and take to keep the bike balanced, to keep it moving forward. One party pulls the weight of the other for too long the bike ends turning off center, if you do this for too long you end up moving in circles and eventually everyone falls off. It's not a healthy environment to be going in circles and people will be hurt when you fall off. You both must make it more balanced as it sounds like if you continue, it is inevitable that the bike is headed for a big crash. If you both know this, it will allow you to take drastic and difficult action to avoid a crash.

I hope you find a way through it. I think you have lots of worth both as a father and a husband. Your spouse should not feel entitled to take it for granted. If not, maybe you are better riding the bike without her, or even with someone new. Best of luck!

Thanks for the really sound advice.

From earlier posts - communications does seem to be the key. I mean, she's not stupid and she probably can register pretty high on the IQ score if she wants. After all, I believe I did addressed her sense of extreme insecurity from a monologue with her in the car.

Trying to keep my mental self without going mental.