"Crushing" Decisions
Didn't feel safe turning to anyone for advice, or even just to talk.
Is it a sin to like someone? I didn't dare ask. What if they bao toh to leader?
After much thought, I decided to suppress it & 'pursue holiness' instead.
My strategy was to avoid interacting with Lyn whenever possible, hoping it would go away.
About a week after I realized my crush on Adelyn, while doing my usual nightly gaming,
I was startled by notification sound
Sarah, Covert Ops Advisor
Sarah's an interesting one. Hard to know what's she's thinking half the time.
Not overly loud personality but confident. Not exactly a daredevil, but always bolder than the average member.
It's like she has the map to where the landmines are, and always avoid them accurately
She knows when to to be daring, when to give in & follow, when it's possible to get away with things.
I became nervous
shit, I've been caught
didn't reply for a while.
We chatted till 1am that night.
Learned a little more history behind our little subgroup.
Sarah & Jeremy were together for a while. Think he still likes her, so hangs around. Their breakup was amicable
And many other eye opening treasures.
According to unwritten rules, dating is discouraged.
Veteran members who start to date or the 'spilt milk' cases, officially supposed to report their love life to the leaders.
Especially on wherebout & cannot go out too late alone.
Also found out her cousin was the former group leader ('graduated' on to adult groups) 4 years ago when she first joined
No wonder...laojiao already. Having seen many things, she knows the tricks & loopholes.
I was still skeptical, but felt could trust her somewhat.
Besides she already knows my secret. What to do, just play along.
This marked the start of a series of late night convos I referred to as "prayer meeting with Sarah"
From here, I learned the ins & outs of how to 'survive' in this harshly unpredictable environment
Beginning of the End
After weeks of struggle, I concluded it unsuccesful to uproot the Adelyn problem.
Couldn't stop thinking about her. Having to see her at least twice weekly didn't help.
Tried to be mindful not letting it show, but will occasionally make blunders.
Once before group meeting, I accidentally asked Sarah, 'where Lyn today? oh ok, will she be there for Tuesday night meeting?'
Suay suay leader walked past & 100% overheard this, though pretended didn't hear.
Immediately during the group meeting, brought up the topic about how when you attend meetings & events, you must 'do it with a pure heart for god, no other motives'.
She made it seem like a general statement & didn't eye contact me the whole time.
But the underlying arrows shot straight at my direction. I felt guilty.
After meeting, leader still acted as if didn't overhear, but did ask "X you coming tuesday meeting?"
I nodded my head with heart pounding.
"Ok Good, see you all on tuesday". Heng, didn't get pulled aside.
R: 'hey are you ok', Rachel's voice broke my daze staring into the air
X: 'yeah, I'm alright'
R: 'they waiting for you le' pointing towards the door
EVeryone has left already left. Sarah & Shawn were waiting for me to go home together.
That night, back at home
I wasn't ready to open up to another person. Even Shawn didn't know. I'm keeping it strictly to Sarah.
First Sin
Come Tuesday, realized a huge chunk of mock papers I forgot to complete.
Ugh this Adelyn thing is really messing with me. Never slipped up with schoolwork before.
No choice have to skip Tuesday meeting.
Surely enough, got a text demanding reason of absence.
X(Text Msg): "Forgot do homework"
Leader(Text Msg): "Ok. You should have at least let me know in advance. Next time, try to be more organized.
Remember God looks even at the little things, like turning up when you say you would.
A good christian upholds the words he said & all promises he makes, no matter how big or small"
X(Text Msg): "Yes Sis Ellen, sorry"
The replies stopped there. Later on in the night, I was bombed with a bible verse, together with the following message:
Leader(Text Msg):
"True disciples put nothing before God, not themselves, their belongings possessions, their wealth
(blahhhhhh)
(blahhhhhh)
(blahhhhhh)
including other brothers & sisters in Christ
Only God is always the first. Amen"
Means what? I thought sua liao? Do you know What's worse than being kan straight to your face?
These sort of got tail no head indirect bullet that go one round and shoot you in the back.
I considered this my first sin. First black mark.
Should I have prioritize the meeting before my homework?
No, wait, it's coz of Adelyn that made me forget homework, resulted in not attending.
So my crush on Adelyn is the source of sin?
My mind spiralled into a deep well. Didn't sleep well that night.
For hours I rolled on the bed, tormented with alternation between the heartache of not
being able to be close to Adelyn, and then feeling guilty for liking her.
I was so afraid of making more mistakes. I knelt down to pray with tears in my eyes
"
Dear god please forgive me. I don't want to like her anymore. I'm sorry for falling in love. Please take this all away"