[kengohchien]

Thanks for your replies. I thought of not posting already because I know I am asking for advice, getting proper advice and logically, I already know what I should do, emotionally and sexually, I get confused.

First off, the sex is good. Given he is much older, he is so much more experimental than the other men I've experienced sex with - which by the way is a very pathetic four. LOL. so the people who are so keen and clogging my mailbox, really, i doubt you are going to get any action.
He even wants to try anal, which is like so exciting. heh.
He knows what he wants and knows how to demand it from me.
He knows how to sexually excite me even when i'm just in his car and knows how to reduce me to beg for more in bed.
I supposed i am a woman who secretly likes to be controlled in some perverse way.
and i think i must mention that before him i could just be sexually starved for a few months, maybe even six months? Which horrified my gay friends in whom i've been confiding in about my sex life.
So i like sex with him and i really enjoy it.
sometimes i resent the cuddly-up moments which hoodwinks me into thinking it's love - you know how we girls get confused in the end.

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sex apart, i like talking to him. he is much older. i like the way he 'daddy-s' me when i say stupid things like how i want to kill self (no not suicidal lah!)
I don't know, i guess it is just chemistry.
whenever i'm stressed or need to get out, obviously i'd think of him.

i suppose we are a bit more ''stable'' now that we've been meeting up more. like i said, i know what i should do, but stupidly, i'm not doing it.

i guess it is also me. i have low self-esteem and sometimes i just feel so lousy i think i should be grateful someone wants to shag me. yet on occasion i have been told that i'm pretty.

Sigh. i am still leaving but have not tendered. and sometimes with the uncertainty in life, sometimes you just want to throw caution to the winds. or maybe it's wise to just stop thinking so much and just enjoy whatever or what it's worth. but to shut off the part of me which thinks and rationalizes - would i still be me?

so thanks for reading thus far, i am one confused girl. thanks to those who say i sound like a nice girl. nice to hear that, heh.